I ain’t f*cking going nowhere!
Let me just f*cking preface this five-minute judgement by saying, that at any point in any media, whether it’s TV, film, illustrations and so on, when I see sex of any sort, I do this f*cking thing where I slowly turn my head away, quickly seeing if it’s gone or not. It’s not an embarrassment thing, I’m perfectly fine with nudity, penises, boobs, whatever. But when I see it in media, I just find it f*cking awkward, sadistic, unnecessary or boring.
So, in light of that, I probably watched about one-third of The Wolf of Wall Street. Leonardo DiNoOscaro stars as Jordan Belfort, a f*cking New York stockbroker who ends up briefly entertaining the life of Jay Gatsby in The Great Gatsby (also starring DiCaprio), who is then taken down by his excessive lifestyle and destroyed by f*cking materialism, drugs, alcohol and women (seriously this is just The Great Gatsby but directed by Martin Scorsese).
Scorsese impresses me, being able to keep me interested for three straight f*cking hours (bar the first 20 minutes) is no easy feat (see: The Watchmen, damn it Snyder), and I really did enjoy the majority of the film I saw. Jonah Hill makes an appearance as Donnie to try to shed the f*cking “fat-buddy-funny-dude” role he’s had in every film since his acting début, but he’s actually bearable in this picture, maybe it was the f*cking drugs (that he takes, not me).
There’s no f*cking redemption, which makes this “black-comedy” all the more original, Belfort’s true story has no remorse, no apologies for what’s happened. And I love it, thank god there’s no redemption arc, instead a conclusion that ends with a whimper and not all guns f*cking blazing, but fresh nonetheless. Getting rich never felt so good, for both me and DiCaprio, who manages to support a fantastic performance throughout, culminating at his “paraplegic” stage.
Some lovely women make their way into the film as you’d expect, though if they’re not a wife of some significant character, they’re a f*cking prostitute of some sort. Cristin Milioti’s Teresa is Jordan’s first wife, then he has an affair with f*cking Naomi Lapaglia (Margot Robbie) resulting in a divorce, then a kid, obviously. Joanna Lumley makes an appreciated appearance as Naomi’s aunt, but has about as much character development as the prostitutes and ends up dead (again, much like the prostitutes, probably).
One of my favourite parts comes as Kyle Chandler’s Agent Patrick Denham boards Belfort’s boat and Denham and Belfort banter about one another; you’re never given a full impression of what’s going on here, do they like one another, do they know the other is f*cking mocking the other, or is it all just jokes? These two play each other off so well it’s a shame it only came once in the play.
Secondly, one of Belfort’s important f*cking cronies, whom of which we hardly see except Jonah Hill’s character, impresses me in the scene he’s introduced in. It goes like this:
Belfort: Sell me that pen? Watch. Go on.
[Brad takes pen from Jordan]
Brad: You want me to sell this fucking pen?
Belfort: That’s my boy right there.
Brad: This Pen.
Belfort: Fucking sell anything.
Brad: I want you to do me a favour, write your name on that napkin for me.
Belfort: I don’t have a pen.
Brad: Exactly. Suppling and demand, my friend.
I don’t know if that’s an homage to anything or was made up, but it was fantastic, and neatly called back to later in the film.
Finally, I didn’t think this film would make me feel nostalgic, but it did. I wasn’t even alive for Black Friday or half the f*cking ’90s, but I wanted to be in this world of excess, presented to me with open arms. It looked so clean and wild simultaneously and it’s refreshing to see that after so many films call back to the f*cking ’60s, ’70s or ’80s.
Despite the deus ex machina machine being stuck on repeat and at dodgy starting and ending, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. I had considered DiCaprio an overrated actor before but I see where his love comes from now.
I rate this movie “Leo dances to him not getting an oscar but who cares you should see this film anyway.gif” out of 10.
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